Conflict resolution,
confrontation & Coaching

CONFLICT resolution 

CARING ENOUGH TO CONFRONT

There are two extremes in the management of conflict:

0 ……………………………………………………………………………………100

Non-confrontation Aggressive Confrontation

Neither is helpful!!

God’s purpose for us is “caring confrontation” - confronting with the goal of bringing out the best in the other person.

Things that should be confronted:

  • Sin habits that affect the church or community

  • Insensitive behaviours

  • Administration difficulties

  • System failures

  • Inflexibility - refusal to change/grow

  • Unhealthy communication

CAREFRONTING OFFERS …

  • A creative and non threatening way through conflict

  • A genuine opportunity for both parties to grow

  • A new understanding and insight into the problem

  • A mutual goal to work towards reconciliation

  • A culture of truth and respect in communication

 
DEFINING THE PROCESS (SEE MATTHEW 18:15-17)

  1. If your brother/sister sins against you. Go to him/her privately and if they listen you have won your brother/sister.

  2. If he/she won’t listen, take one or two witnesses so that the confrontation may establish the truth.

  3. If he/she won’t listen to them, tell it to the church (especially the eldership) and if they won’t listen to the church, they will need to take time out of fellowship until they are willing to work through the situation.

Put simply, no one should hear about your problem with someone else before the object of your concern hears it.

Don’t involve higher leadership without first speaking with the person privately, in love.

Scripture also teaches that confrontation should reflect Christ’s grace and forgiveness through a sincere desire to resolve relational conflicts within the Church.

“Accept one another” Romans 15:5-7

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. Romans 15:5-7 NIV

“Forgive one another” Ephesians 4:32

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32 NLT

“Pray for one another” James 5:16

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16 NLT

“Speak the truth in love” Ephesians 4:15

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15 NIV

Scripture further teaches that it is the responsibility of Christians to go promptly to their brother/sister when they have been offended or when they have reason to believe that they may have done the offending. (Matthew 5:23-24; Ephesians 4:26-27)

The carefrontation process

A biblically based guide to resolving conflicts within the Church. Scripture teaches that Carefrontation should be approached and carried out with an attitude of love, concern and humility.

“Honour one another” Romans 12:10

Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10 NIV

“Love one another” 1 Peter 1:22

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart. 1 Peter 1:22 NIV

“Consider one another” Philippians 2:3

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, Philippians 2:3 NIV

CAREFRONTATION GUIDE

A. WHEN CAREFRONTING ANOTHER PERSON REMEMBER THESE POINTS…

  • Consider your relationship with the other person and God.

  • Prior to the meeting soften your heart through prayer and meditation.

  • Look at yourself honestly, remembering your short comings.

  • Outline and prioritise the elements of the problem as you understand it, recognising that you may have contributed to it.

  • Carefrontation is not about winning a personal battle so don’t attack or accuse the other person.

  • Recognise that you may have to agree to disagree. Relationships are not dependent on the resolution of all problems.

  • Use the conflict to build a better relationship, remembering that Carefrontation invites change but that change cannot be imposed.

B. IF YOU ARE THE PERSON BEING CAREFRONTED REMEMBER:

  • Carefrontation is about providing people with the opportunity to work through a problem.

  • Carefrontation may be about right and wrong, but it is primarily about recognising differences, understanding them and livign with them in community.

  • Be prepared to listen and gain an understanding of the other person’s point of view.

  • Be prepared to accept criticism, but know that you have an equal right and opportunity to review the facts and to present your perceptions.

  • Be sincere when agreeing on a course of action, with a commitment to work together so that a resolution of some form is reached

Should you need any assistance in the Carefrontation process, please contact the following people:

  1. Your Life Group Department Leader

  2. Executive Pastor over Life Groups (Donna Paulin)

  3. The Pastoral Elders appointed person (Jon Kolasinski)

NOTE: It is recommended to have another mutually agreed person present at the meetings whenever you are dealing with a person of the opposite sex.

 
C. STEPS TO FOLLOW WHEN CAREFRONTING ANOTHER:

  1. Before anything else, prior to beginning this process, remember confidentiality is essential.

  2. Put down on paper what you would like to discuss from the most important to the least important. Express what you believe to be a realistic outcome to the process.

  3. Contact the other person and arrange a meeting time. Offer a brief outline of what you want to discuss so that he/she doesn’t feel ambushed.

  4. At the meeting be polite and respectful. Keep focussed. Discuss the fact that you are there to carefront because you care enough about the relationship to want to have it made right and to have the conflict resolved.

  5. Outline the issues and be careful not to attack the person. Encourage the other party to summarise what you have said. Allow him/her the opportunity to clarify areas that are uncertain.

  6. Allow the other party to share his/her point of view. The you summarise and restate it to enable a better understanding of his/her perspective.

  7. Identify common concerns and possible solutions that are practical and workable for both parties. If agreement is reached at this point proceed to point no.9

  8. If solutions cannot be found, agree to have a mediator (a mutually agreed person) help to resolve the conflict.

  9. Commit to one another to work towards an agreed goal within a set time frame.

  10. After the set time frame, have a cup of coffee together and affirm the rebuilding process, or bring the Carefronting process to closure.

D. WHEN SOMEONE SPEAKS TO ME ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE:

  • Be genuine in your concern for that person’s situation but ask them not to speak to you regarding the matter. Be supportive, friendly and helpful, but also direct, explaining that the only way to seek resolution is to Carefront the other party.

  • Advise them that you are now accountable to have them make contact and begin to resolve the problem within the agreed time frame and that failing this, you will be obligated to inform the third party about the matter than was reported to you.

  • In this case, it is the hearer’s responsibility to contact the third party regarding the problem. Be supportive and encouraging, but firm. Advise them of the availability of mediators in the church and of the Carefrontation process.

  • Encourage the person to begin this process within 48 hours, with at least a phone call to arrange the meeting. After the timeframe has expired you should follow-up and ensure that the process has begun. After a reasonable amount of time, you should follow up and ensure closure was reached.

HOW TO HAVE A COACHING CONVERSATION

The GROW Model: G=Goal R=Reality O=Options W=Way Forward

  1. How are you doing overall on a scale of 1-10?

  2. What are your greatest challenges right now?

  3. What is creating anxiety for you?

  4. What would need to change in your world to make you feel as light as a feather right now?

  5. What would you need to really tweak over the next 3 months to make significant progress in your world?

  6. What would be a minor change you can make that would bring maximum benefits?

  7. How are your key relationships among your team going?

  8. What puts energy into you?

9. What takes energy away from you?

10. What would be a perfect outcome if we are going to talk about you?

11. That’s great - WHAT ELSE?

12. That’s excellent - WHAT ELSE?

13. What would get in the way of you making progress on some of these things?

14. What is the cost of not doing something about these things?

15. What price are you prepared to pay that is greater than not getting these things done?

16. How can I be the greatest blessing to you as you work toward these things?